The Dark Period: A Montage of Sorts

(Unknown Date-08)

It doesn’t take much for the loneliness to settle in.  A flash of a memory here and there.  A familiar scent or setting.  A rhythmic melody. 

How did I get here?  This isn’t my life.  None of this belongs to me.  It could if you wanted it to be.
 

I don’t know where to go from here.  It's like a bad dream I can't wake up from.  I’m in a bad spot. I have no work ethic.  I have no goals.  I have no place I want to be, or need to be.

Pretend you just woke up today for the first time.  You had a magnificent life, and you awoke to the things you have now.  To the conditions you are in now.  To the mindset you have now.  What would you do? 

I would pick myself up, and dust myself off.  I would adjust my style; get myself a nice paying job. Fix the things that are broken.

What did I do to get myself into this rut?  

(3-17-08)

Eventually all the things that make you sad fade away.  I’m not really sure if it’s a form of self-preservation.  It would only make sense though.  The mind wants as little stress as possible. 

Out of sight, out of mind.  Everything that isn’t part of the present slowly disappears from the mind.  Sure there are concrete beings like family and close friends, but everything else almost ceases to exist the second they leave your daily life. 

The only place you should ever live in is the present. 

The girls, they all come and go.  Sometimes the timing is perfect or just right, and, well, other times it's just the opposite.

(3-18-08)

It starts with a burning desire. 

Pupils dilate, static thoughts fade away, all that matters is the present and now.

The past is gone, and the future has yet to come.

You fix your back and stand up straight.

(3-26-08)

I heard once that the only place you ever love is the place you left behind and the one you're heading to.  I'm almost 21 and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever stop and settle down.

It's always interesting heading home. 

I kind of feel like I'm waiting for something.  I guess that's the worst part. 

I walked around South Coast Plaza the other day, and sort of soaked in that SoCal feel.  It feels really good to be home sometimes. 

The music still plays, but it doesn’t really have the same beat.

(4-10-08)

What are the things you want?

You have to label these clearly.

If they are not marked down then you will never know if they happened.

I want to eat breakfast lunch and dinner again.

I want to wake up before the sun does, and move around with the day.

I want to be able to afford the little frills, like a movie here and there.

I want to be able to pay for myself, Rob, and a girlfriend.

I want to be back in school.

I want to look in the mirror 2 years from now and see myself in a 4 year college.

I want to write a film or a book.

I want to be self-sustained.

I want to be able to run around shirtless.

I want to play a show in a large venue.

5 years from now I want to have large quantities of money.

I want to never be in this situation again.

(10-9-08)

I've been here before, it’s been a long time, and for the first time I can type it all away instead of writing it in multiple notebooks.  I'm trying this from a different approach.  

You have such potential.  Imagine if you put more care and love into everything you did.  You've done some amazing things.  Pick yourself up.  You've got to make a gearing up list.  Each piece takes money and time.  It's a lot to take in at once, but slowly all the pieces come together.  We'll call this list your life plan.

Where does it all start? 

Body?  Mind?  Past?  Future?  Present.

It's so intimidating to look at the whole picture all at once.   If you don't start with that first step, then you will never get what you want.

I want to be a director, a screenwriter and a producer.  I want to be successful.  It all starts with an idea.  Turns into a plan, and then you have to take action.

I woke up a few years ago and started making my way down the rabbit hole.  The biggest thing is that once you start, you can't stop.  Or you end up like this, stuck in the endless void.  A limbo-like state of consciousness. 

(11-9-08)

Everything can change in an instant.  You can wake up one day and just completely change your position in life.  There is always an out, and you are always in control.

I think the thing that sucks about change is that you have to start somewhere.  Sometimes you have nothing and you have to be willing to start from scratch, other times you just about have everything, and you have to be willing to lose it all in order to advance. 

Simply meaning that shit happens, sometimes you're alone, you took the wrong path, you went left when you should have went right.  You have to backtrack to where you messed up, and figure out what the real problem is.

Your overall goal should be internal glory.  You are not trying to impress anyone, you aren’t doing this for someone to notice you, but rather that you truly want to be a happier more fulfilled person.

(2-23-09)

No matter how many times I try and manipulate it, I can't find a girl that makes me feel the highs and lows of the first time I fell in love.  I think I might be on some sort of a run of a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I think so much that I overlook the bigger picture, or the new picture, and everything sort of becomes the same.  

I don't know why I haven't gotten a job yet, or why I don't pick myself up and live my life.  It makes me think that maybe I don't really want all that.  I don't know why I sit here every day and play the same game over and over again.  It's always new and fresh, and I think it gives me the illusion that there is change, and because of that I can't move on.  But I can't seem to quit either.  I wonder where I'd be now.

(Unknown Date-09)

You slow down for a second.  You pause to live in the moment; you admire the brightness of the day.  The scent of the earth.  You fall in love. It consumes you.  Years pass, but it doesn’t matter.  Eventually the moment is over and the whole time you were living in a memory.  You pick yourself up and make your way towards the goal you walked away from, years ago. 

So much unfinished business.  Life proceeded to move forward.  

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You have to have a goal.  There has to be an end result.

Proper diet, extensive cardio, good sleeping habits, time at the gym, and most of all happiness.  You have to learn proper technique or else you might end up harming yourself more than helping, or not getting the full effectiveness of the exercise.

Physical appearance is the easiest to start with.  The gym builds companionship with close friends, with Robert.  It allows you to set goals.  If you absolutely have to, you can do much of it alone, or without heavily relying on others.  The biggest thing you have to work on is your inner self.  You have to love yourself fully, before you can ever hope to fully love someone else.  

Pop culture tells people to be happy with themselves.  Personally I think that's a lot of bullshit.  I mean everyone should be happy with themselves, but one should also not accept their short comings and strive to achieve their best selves.  

When you think about it, tomorrow is going to happen, and so is the day after, time isn't going to stop, and no matter how long you wait around, the goal is not going to accomplish itself.  To reach your goals, you have to take immediate action.  You have to have no concept of failure.  Everything is a learning experience.

You make every second of every moment count.  The small things, the large things, I mean everything.   You hold onto the things you love, and you hold them close.  But not too tightly.  You understand that sometimes they leave you and sometimes you leave them.  People change, conditions change, and everyone of them makes you better, stronger, faster.  The world is filled with experiences.  Appreciate every moment because that is all life really is.  A series of moments and experiences.

Most importantly; once you get momentum, don't ever stop moving.