Fallen

(Friday, December 22 2006)

       I feel different.  Like really different.  As if something has changed.  I wonder what it is.

First it was the music.  I can't understand it anymore.  I can still hear it though.
Then it was feeling.  I can't feel anything anymore.  I can still touch though.

       I saw Jana yesterday at the club.  I always see Jana.  Never hung out with her outside of it, but I've seen her and her friends at least 6 of the 8 times I've been to Glam.  They dance with me, they always dance with me.  She's pretty, she really is.  So is her friend Kelly.

       She saw me, she waived to me, and she looked happy.  I kind of waived to her.  She was with her friend Stephanie.  Ironic how I know 3 Stephanies, and each one is completely different from the other.  I know like 50 Kellys and they are all the same.

       I think they were pissed because I didn't invite them to the front of the line with me.  Usually I would, but today it was crowded.  Today I was talking to Amanda.  Amanda was hot.

       A group of Black Guys stood in front of Amanda's group.  The leader of their group was trying to hit on Amanda.  He told her she was gorgeous.  He went to La Mirada high back in the day, apparently he lives in LA now, but he goes everywhere.  Riverside, Norwalk, Long Beach and if she wanted, he could visit her in Brea.  All he needed was her number.  She told him she had a boyfriend.  I think that might have triggered something in my brain.

       Amanda had some nasty friends.  They were all pretty drunk.  Amanda wasn't.  I could tell because her breath didn't smell like vodka or vomit, like her nasty friends.  One of her friends pissed on the ground in line.  It was sick.  She pulled down her panties and lifted up her skirt.  She was gross.  I almost threw up. 

       Eventually they got the Black guys kicked out.  The fat nasty one said it wasn't pee, but alcohol spilled on the ground from the Black dude's Gatorade bottle.  I almost died laughing.  Some nasty bitch pees on the ground and the colored kids have to go home!  They played the race card.  Though, this one was racist, I'll admit.  The white girls word was worth more than some clean cut African Americans.  The security guys must have felt really dumb when they kicked the bitch out later that night for pissing a second time.  Nah, they have no feelings.  I hate those fuckers.  I don't even know if they speak English.

       Too bad the black guys really did have alcohol in their drinks.

Then it was taste.  I couldn't taste the gum in my mouth anymore.  I knew it was there though.
Then my thoughts left me.  I couldn't conceive well-developed thoughts.  I still had instincts though.  Like an animal. 

 

         I whispered something in Amanda's ear.  It was something clever.  You would have had to been there to understand it.  It was only intended for her.  It made her laugh.  She started talking to me.  She started leaning on me, oh so wonderfully.  Pressing her cheek against my cheek as she spoke, though, only so slightly.

         Then suddenly my arm was around her, and she was talking to me, comfortably.  I never know how I get to that point.  It just feels like a natural inclination.  It felt almost evil, because I knew she had a boyfriend, but she didn't tell me, so I didn't care.

         That's when her drunk friend pissed on the ground again, and they all got kicked out.  Well, they only had one car.  That nasty bitch.  Numbers don’t mean anything.  It didn't matter if I got it or not.  She would have flaked.  There was no magic, and I hadn't connected yet.

45 minutes later I got into the club.

         I was one of the first few in.  It was still pretty empty.  So I stood and thought for a few minutes.

         I was really wishing that I had gotten Jana and her friends to cut me.  Jana has a boyfriend, and unfortunately, I respect that.  My shot with her was many moons ago.  At least she's fun. 

        I grabbed a free red bull.  The guy that works one of the bars is a friend of the family.  He gives me free drinks.  I always get Jana and her friends free drinks.  Sometimes when they ask, but mostly when I feel like it.  It used to be Kelly and her friends, back when Kelly was mine.  Now Kelly has a real boyfriend, and she stopped coming around.  He's a smart guy.  Everyone would know who my girlfriend was.  I'd make sure of it.

        I stood on the level slightly above the dance floor.  This club was riddled with men.  The male to female ratio was almost overwhelming.  They didn't know how to get things done.  The ones that stood near me watched the crowd slowly developing on the floor with a sort of curious gaze.  These guys would sit and drink expensive shitty beer for the remainder of the night.  They wouldn't put a foot on the dance floor.  Who knows why they went to clubs, or what they thought they would gain from flocking around each other and staring.  Staring at all the pretty girls.   Always looking but never touching.

        On the floor were the Scavengers.  Smaller groups of men frantically searching the floors for women to dance with.  They had hunger in their eyes.  Sometimes they got lucky.  That's the way life works for them.  They meet someone beautiful, or interesting, they got lucky.  I love watching these guys get shut down.  They do so many things wrong.  Especially the ones that try to automatically start grinding on the girl.  I wonder if they think that is not creepy or something.  Then you got the inept social retard that shyly asks the girl that just got fucked in the bathroom to dance.  No, she doesn't want to dance with you.

       There is a pattern for everything.  First you start dancing.  It has to look like you're having a great time.  Sometimes the girls will come to you, and other times you have to dance with the ones around you.  At least, that's how it works for me.

      I went to the dance floor and started dancing.  Today they came to me.  First it was two blonde girls.  Both unattractive.  One of them pointed at me and kind of laughed.  I'm a horrible dancer.  I smiled.  She smiled.  She walked over and tried to grind against me.  I turned so my back was facing her.  I continued to dance.  Alone.

      I was learning to dance tonight.  I've been trying to learn for 3 nights now.  When I get better, I'll start bringing other people with me.  I always invite Minh, but he always has an excuse as to why he can't go.  Oh well, his loss.  I always meet someone new and interesting.

      I stood and copied the movements of better dancers.  Another girl, this time in stripes, approached me.  I walked to another spot on the dance floor.  That whole selective dancing works two ways.   

      Jana probably went home instead of coming into the club.  I spent two hours dancing, and I didn't see her.  Either that or she was pissed off, and avoiding me.  I felt lonely now.  Sometimes I like when she's around, because it feels good to hold someone I care about.  Today was different though.  I'll probably see her next week, but it doesn't really matter.  She'll probably be a bitch to me next time she sees me, but that doesn't matter either.  I know how to turn that around.  Especially since my witty mouth is back now.

        I danced some more.  I was learning. 

        Until I spotted a strange girl with a camera, and her boyfriend.  They were a couple.  Something about her was beautiful.  Maybe it was how I knew she was dating the guy behind her, when he wasn't even holding her hand.  Or maybe it was the way they seemed to understand each other, and they didn't even really talk that much.  She looked strange, because she didn't fit in with the environment.  Neither did her boyfriend with the sherpa jacket.  She was wearing a thin V-Neck T.  They both walked with there necks somewhat slumped.  She looked over at me, and I smiled.  She kind of stared for a second, like she thought I was one of the other random club rats.  It almost made me cry.  But I didn't, instead I went home.

       I went home, a Semi truck had burned down where the 91 meets the 57 south.  I was in traffic for 45 minutes at 1 in the morning.   That's life.

       I went to Ralph's for a Vitamin water.  It's tradition.  I saw two more girls that looked like the precious one at the club.  I had my hood on, and all they could see was the X's on my hands.  Instead of my nicely fitted button down tee.  They followed me with their eyes to my car.  I felt a little better.  Until my system shut down, and thoughts flooded my brain.

        
I don't like the way I deal with heartbreak.  It gets harder for me to care for someone every time.  My love is truly tainted.