(The End of Summer 2007)
Pheromones. I could feel it in my fingers; I could feel it in my toes. I let out a stammered breath, and then took in three fast ones. The sensation created was what I can only describe as euphoria. It lit up my mind and senses. The headaches stopped, my thoughts stopped, time stopped. I was no longer looking towards the future; everything I could ever want was in the present.
When the knee-buckling aroma hit my nose, I finally knew and accepted that I was dreaming. I was amazed that I could remember those simple details; such as, how a person smells or sounds after not seeing them for a great deal of time.
She looked innocent enough in my mind, but I know she is a misguided little devil with no sense of direction or real knowledge of what she's looking for. It was at this moment that I realized she was wrapped in my arms, with my head pushed into her left shoulder blade. I quickly let her go. A curious and playful gaze met my eyes. It was probably one of her more attractive qualities; she didn't have an answer for everything, and didn't claim to. Though, maybe she just didn't care, or even worse, understand.
My head started pounding and my fingers tingled from the memory. I knew it would be a long time before I would let it go. She was never everything I was looking for, nor anywhere close to it. She had short boyish brown hair, a fatal flaw in her personality, and an ever-growing stomach that developed from her eat-whatever-I-want-and-not-exercise diet. When she poses for a picture, her left eyelid closes half way and her face and teeth make what I can only describe as the Bride of Chucky smile. Not to mention that she is a complete bitch that would leave me to rot in despair, if she mistakenly thought for a second, that there was someone better. And she did.
But, she was the first one I ever loved, and my foolish head has a hard time believing that any of her flaws really matter.
Almost immediately after I let her go, a boy I recognized came over and started flirting with her. Her curiosity and playfulness turned to him. She was wearing a baseball cap that only added to the façade that she was an adorably harmless girl that one should get to know. The boy did a move I haven't seen since third grade, he pulled off her cap and held it away from her. Most likely in tribute to the story she told me of the day she met her ex-boyfriend of two years, the guy I stole her from. She pushed his arm and changed the tone of her voice. He let out a sarcastic gasp and stood in such a way that pushed me out of her view.
I looked around the room. Apparently it was a stadium. What Dreams May Come, came to mind as the room around me took form. It was a strange sight; it was filled with people I met over the years. I thought it might be heaven, except there was a baseball field instead of clouds. Further up the stadium, sat the Irish girls I met over the summer. The ones that actually lived in the Frat with me sat closer towards me. Debbie sat closest to the stairs. She was about the same height as me and twice my weight. She gave me a discomforted smile that held so much pain. I looked away.
I looked back towards the girl that made me heartless. The dream intruder was still standing in front of me. And here he was causing confusion in my dream.
Still understanding it was a dream, I tried to exact the reason why I was in this situation with a girl I thought I finally moved on from. I remembered that I had seen her for the first time in 4 months, drunk off my ass, at a party during the summer. She was with two English guys, and she kept telling me that she just met them earlier that night. It was a friendly reunion, from what I can remember.
It made me somewhat sad, surely this boy knew we had some sort of history, couldn't he wait until my back was turned? She seemed to be engulfed in what I assume he was trying to pass as charm. I felt small and helpless. Next thing I knew, I was on autopilot.
I did the only thing any jealous guy knew to do, I put one arm around him, and talked to him like he was a two-bit jackass. I asked him if he was Irish, even though I knew he wasn't. I asked him if he cut his own hair, but added that it was a good style, and he shouldn't ever change it. The girl continuously laughed at intermittent points. I eventually shifted the conversation back to her and cut him out. He stood for a solid few moments, either from shock or a lack of basic social acuity. Eventually he allowed discomfort to overtake him, and he left.
My brain returned to normal. Then the headaches started again. She tugged a little at the tips of her hair, exposing an ear that I wanted to massage until she caved into desire. Then she smiled. It was the smile that broke me. And it was her eyes that won me over, her greenish-brown eyes seemed to scream out save me, forgive me, and love me all at once.
I woke up in a cold sweat, hung over with the taste of Steel Reserve still lingering in my mouth. It was much like everyday in the summer. Mid afternoon, an entire day wasted and work was coming up in short hours. I don’t like patterns much, if there is one thing that bores me, its routine.
I had a dark emptiness that needed to be filled. Something inside of me was broken; the recurring dreams seemed to prove a point. The only thing I could think to do was run. I learned once that running is the worst thing anyone can do, as humans we are creatures of habit, and until we recognize something is wrong and resolve it internally; the same problems will find and follow you wherever you go. But sometimes environment is a necessary change, and making my way across Hawaii sounded like just the right adjustment.
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